A Tale of Two Stories
by Shima Ame
Summary: one way ShebaJenna, GaretJenna. Jenna hates being the bad guy...
1. Debate

**"A Tale of Two Stories"**

In response to a certain TOS fanfiction by my dear friend

Every story has three sides:

My side  
Your side  
And the truth

_It's another lonely day as the sunlight turns to haze-_  
_I'm writing you to say"I love you."  
__I want to show you what I've kept inside that takes control of me_

"Jenna! Felix! Get up!" Mom called from downstairs.

"Yes ma'am!" I threw the sheets on the ground and glared at the horizon where the sun hadn't risen yet. I hated getting up that early. A sudden feeling of guilt as I heard a bird sing and realized I should be enjoying the morning and not be so scorn. We were HOME now, I should be HAPPY.

Whatever.

Felix greeted me downstairs in a new tunic.

"G'morning Jenna!" He grinned, mouth full of flapjacks.

:Blaze: I used the candle to burn his remaining stack.

"Hey! Why'd you do that?"

"Bad mood, shut up, shut up NOW."

"Ahwwwwwww… no fair." He pouted.

"Sorry." And I rushed out the door before mom could nag me for not wearing a proper dress. Blagh.

"Jenna! Jenna!" Sheba came stumbling up the path, wide eyed. "Jenna! I'm so glad to see you!" I found myself glomped by the 15 year old squirt.

"What?" I smiled a little. She was so funny- such a needy little child.

"I- I have a crush on someone…" She blushed.

"Really?" I hugged her back, chuckling in the back of my head.

"I-I-" She jumped back and looked around frantically to make sure nobody was listening. "Ivan." She whispered.

I giggled a bit out loud. "All righty then!"

"Shhh! Don't tell ANYONE! I trust you!"

"Got'cha."

"It's just- when ever I'm around him… he's so sweet and cute and… he understands me without reading my mind at all." We walked along. "Sorry to rant so much. I just like him so much."

I smiled 'how cute- little Sheba has a crush on someone –giggle giggle- now I can tease her like she teased me about Isaac. That's a bit mean, but… hee'

"Huh?" She looked up at me.

"what." I stared- deer in the headlights.

"Your mind patterns changed- are you ok?"

"Yeah! I'm fine! I'm just really happy for you!"

She grinned, blushing.

"What are you two whispering about? It better not be another prank!" Felix tapped me on the shoulder.

"Nothing!" I whispered to him once Sheba had run far enough away from him in her shock. "Sheba's having guy problems…"

"Who? Who?"

"I'm not supposed to tell."

"Ok…"

Suddenly there were two strong arms around my waist- picking me up into the air and swinging me in a circle.

"Jenna!"

"Ah! Picard! Stop!" I yelped. We all laughed when he let me fall into the dust.

"Guess what!" He glomped Felix with a kiss.

"Ah! Picard! Not in front of my baby sister!"

"Sorry, Jenna." Picard was still grinning. "But Kyle's holding a party for the anniversary of the bolder."

"That's not… really… something to celebrate…" Felix frowned.

"Come now, if it hadn't happened, I would have never had met you." Picard pecked his cheek teasingly.

"…That's not really something to celebrate." Felix frowned until Picard pouted, then Felix laughed and grabbed Picard tight, kissing him hard.

"Ivan should be there…" I whispered to myself. "My chance to hook up Sheba and Ivan." Grinning, my day just sparked a few percents.

At the party I sat with Sheba until I caught a view of Ivan alone. "I'll… be right back. Stay HERE!"

"o…k?" She looked confused.

I jumped off the chair and waltzed across the room towards Ivan. Through a crowd so Sheba wouldn't follow.

"Jenna! What's up, you had a weird look on your face."

"Ah Felix… remember what I said about Sheba earlier?"

"Yeah..?"

"I'm hunting down Ivan." I winked.

"Ahhhh…"

"Will you help? It'll make her REALLY happy."

"Ok! Let's go get him!" He laughed.

"What's up?" Picard came back with punch. Felix whispered into Picard's ear while Picard nibbled on Felix's. Soon a grin came on Picard's face and he nodded eagerly. We all gave a thumbs up and gave chase.

Well… we caught up with him…

…Kissing Feizi…

…Does that count?

Us three musketeers just looked at each other in sudden shock.

"We can't give up and we can't tell her we saw this…" Picard assured us.

"Right." Felix nodded.

"Yeah…" I looked at my shoes in defeat.

"But we can't keep up, we'll go to Sheba but keep an eye on him. If he's alone, we'll catch him!." Picard grinned.

"Yeah!"

Well… the night was a failure… and Sheba was mad at me for telling Felix and Picard…

_I never will believe the things they say to me.  
__Though sometimes I was left behind, alone here all by myself,  
__forced to look at you._

After that I gave Sheba a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell her troubles to all the more. She got over Ivan- but 'my bad influence' on her gave her trouble with the inn owners. A lot went wrong.

The inn keepers turned really nasty calling me a delinquent for not dressing or acting lady like. They gave Sheba a lot of hassle for that.

She once decided to become anorexic and complained she was hungry and that people were mean to her for telling her to eat. Saying they were 'prejudice of anorexics.' Really, what kind of weight can Sheba lose? Maybe the whining over stuff she caused in looks for more pity is some dead weight to lose…

She complained she overheated herself on purpose more than three times in a month.

She complained on chest pains so bad she would have had a heart attack at any moment. She was the one worrying herself so much it hurt. I got pains there two- but that's just called 'adolescence.' If it was really that bad- it might very well be that anorexia.

A bit more of a flirty nature grew. Make-up, reveling clothes, flirting with guys and all.

She complained she slept from 22:30 to 6:30 and was sooo tired. Personal clock: 2:30 to 6:15. She only had a pastry for breakfast. My breakfast menu: (find time to put menu here).

Sure- she's a cute little helpless innocent.

But this was a bit much…

And yet…

I still cared, for some reason.

_I tried to help you once, against my own advice.  
__I saw you going down,  
__but you never realized that you're drowning in the water.  
__So I offered you my hand,  
__compassion's in my nature and I just don't wanna be alone._

I may very well be a pervert, so I support gay couples very well. Like withmy brother, for instance, I wish I could get video tapes of him and Picard. Just thinking about it gets me running faster than coffee.

I tended to be a tough little tom boy. Guy's tunics are so much comfier than the over-reveling things girls wore those days. I was tempted to cut my hair short like a guys, but instead just hid it under a ratty old hat.

No matter what Sheba did or how much she complained- I grew dependent on the feeling it gave me to protect her. The surge of strength and power.

I got a high off flirting with her mercilessly- just the feeling of being like a man protecting a lady made me feel strong. I wouldn't be the weak and helpless Jenna that was kidnapped- I didn't want to be remembered like that. I wanted to be strong and renown.

And Sheba made me feel that way.

There were memories I didn't want to remember.

And Sheba covered them.

As long as I had my friend's to protect, I would never fall for a man. A man would only try to dominate me and control me. Change me into his little slut. Just look what those kind of hormones were doing to Sheba!

_Born to lose, and we live to win  
__The cards been dealt  
__We're placing our bets  
__Evil has planted it's seed  
Patience been taken by greed  
Power now a dying need  
Bringing us all to our knees_

It was late at night and Sheba was staying over again- she stayed over a lot to escape the innkeepers. Despite how she was when she was awake- she looked just as innocent and childish as she did on the adventure while she slept. I laughed a little inside my head.

'If Sheba wants a man that bad- let's see if I can't take the part just for fun. At least until she's cuddly like this again and gets a good man on her side.'

Laughing a little more I touched the girl's childish face. "Awwwwww… she's so cute asleep." I cooed. She twitched and I poked her cheek teasingly to see if she'd wake up. I felt like playing a game.

_The world's gone mad, out of it's mind  
Don't trust no one, looks can deceive_  
_Faces hidden under the sheet_

It got really cold that night- and Sheba had taken up all the blanket. Shivering horribly, I decided to curl up against her back. Sure we've slept in a heap plenty of times on our journey. She was warm, she was my friend, and she made me feel strong. What could possibly go wrong with smothering my arms and face into my best friend's back when she took the sheets?

The next morning I woke up first without even a rude awakening by Felix. I shook Sheba lightly and brushed the hair out of her face. She looked so childish and innocent… so much like then so unlike now… My best friend who I had been so afraid of losing…

"Hummm?" She awoke like a child too, rubbing her eyes with a little yawn. "What?"

"Morning!" I grinned, teasing a lock of her hair in my fingers. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah…" and she fell back asleep against my arm.

"Ok… looks like someone got plenty." I waited until I was sure she was fast asleep before sneaking downstairs and starting breakfast.

_Stuck inside a world inside my head  
a place where I think too much and no one can touch me  
and get me out of the loop_

"Jenna!" Isaac ran up to me one day, leaving Garet standing on the front porch alone.

"Hey Isaac, what's up?" I smiled a little, stopping from my walk to the Inn.

"Garet's too afraid to tell you himself." Just then Garet ran inside. "But he likes you."

I jumped up with a grin. One of the very few men I considered fine liked me, whatta surprise!

"He… wants to know if you want to go out."

"Not right now- I need to ask my brother- you know that."

Isaac laughed. "Felix'll eat his insides!"

I chuckled nervously and continued to run to Sheba's- shaking with excitement. But I had to remember my promise. I am strong. I am independent. I only need my friends. I will protect them at all means. Going out is bad.

Yeah… but… this was GARET. Can't I have dreams too? Just one… it isn't too big of a sin, is it? I was quiet- I didn't complain about everything. Heck- every step I took hurt my knees but I never told anyone… I didn't TRY to, and meanwhile I could try to see if I wouldn't become his slut. Knowing Garet- he wasn't like that anyway.

It's not a sin…

It's not a sin…

It's not a sin…

I love Garet

Tell me it's not a sin… SOMEBODY… please…

Just a little Salvation in my own life… isn't that what everybody wants?

I ran back to the house, knocking on the door hard. Garet answered to my urgency. Throwing my arms around him, my heart gave a cry for redemption.

_Line up the bottles to complete the grief  
__I sit and I slowly lose my mind  
__I never could understand the mistakes I repeat._

Everyone was happy- they said Garet and I made a perfect couple and that 'we're so cute together.' We DID fit well.

Garet… is just too perfect a man. He gives me the salvation I ask, he's not demanding- he's actually more MY slave- he's sweet, he loves me, and he's got a cute personality and a hot-bod to count.

All the sadness- all the regret- it just melts when he holds me. I want to stay there. I know it hurt some people and they think I'm showing off- but for once I'm doing something for myself- what a sin.

And I hate to be called a show-off, a fiery death to those who say otherwise. I might be an awful, awful, TERRIBLE person, but not a show-off. If I ever do- it's a joke. If you can't take a joke FIERY HELL TO YOU TOO!

But Garet… the more time I spent with him, the more I loved him… for once I felt safe and loved… and protected…

For once I felt that I didn't need to protect anyone

For once it felt so good to be weak.

I tried my best to stay normal. Stick with my friends and my morals. I tried so hard to not change ONE LITTLE BIT that I even continued flirting.

But… soon I learned how big a sin that was and would slowly grow to understand how much it would grow…

…The next time Sheba stayed over.

We were curled up in my small bed because it was comfy and warm. We were fit pretty tight and soon I felt my shoulder grow wet where Sheba's face rested.

"What's wrong!" I jumped, shifting back and almost falling off.

"I-I'm sorry. . ."

"Hm"

"I'm sorry. . ."

"For what?. . ."

"I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to. I. . . can't get you off my mind. I can't stop dreaming about you. . . I. . . fell in love with you."

"Hey, shh. It'll be okay."

"I really didn't mean to Jenna. . . I'm sorry. . . Our friendship is ruined. . . I just feel like… Garet ruined everything… Would it be fair. . . to ask you how you felt about this"

"Hm, well, it's quite ironic. You're crying while I'm grinning, 'cause I've got the girl I want crying in my lap."

"Really"

"Mm hmm."

"Ah, Jenna. . ."

"Yeah"

"C-could you. . . kiss me"

"Ah, heck." She asked for a kiss and a kiss had lost meaning of being mutual. Kisses of romance, she neverreceived one.Of course I was grinning out of amusement. I just felt the evil streak running through me at that moment.

Ha- I caught her. Ha- She's exposed the underbelly of the dragon. Ha- no sick and dirty man can soil her now. Wahahaha- maybe…

She'll go back to the Sheba I knew.

That thing I held most precious- the angel who fell to Lalivero.

_Engraved on a headstone  
Crosses burn harmony weeps  
Nazi eye hail the beast  
Let's follow the tracks to a world of pain_


	2. Anger

**CHAPTER 2**

_You're haunting in my mind cause you're drowning in the water  
and I tried to grab your hand and I left my heart open  
Feelings don't get hurt they get murdered!_  
_There's not time for love just time to kill just time to kill  
__Remorse won't enter these souls  
Caring is something that's old  
Suffer that's how it goes  
People will reap what they've sown_

I was scared so bad. I felt like I just woke up in a terrible place I didn't want to be. A drug addict who just noticed the negatives to drug abuse.

And as a mars adept…

When I get scared, I get violent. VERY violent.

I hid away from Sheba. I didn't want to be seen. She was mad at Garet for taking me. She was mad at me for everything. I wanted to disappear. Somebody hid me… tell me it's ok… serve me extrication from my sins…

I wanted to run as far away from those memories as possible. I teased Sheba for being bisexual. I told EVERYONE she loved me. I felt guilt- but my fear was stronger and I wanted to run as far away as possible. From her and my sins.

I knew I was breaking my best friend's heart- but I felt a sudden rebellion. I suddenly didn't care. I just wanted AWAY.

Why..?

Why?

WHY!

I sat by myself for a while…

Why did I suddenly come to dislike so much what had been dearest to me a few days before?

Why was I so suddenly angry!

I hated the way she cried because I loved Garet. I hated the way she 'wanted' me to love her back. I wanted to slit her neck for speaking a word. But I did the opposite- I spread it. I humiliated her in front of everyone I could find.

I wanted away. I didn't want her love anymore.

I was afraid of it.

I don't know why.

And I don't know if I ever will know why.

Maybe because now I had Garet and I wanted him more than anything… and I didn't want to cause trouble. Things needed evening out. And This seemed fully appropriate at the time.

I didn't love Sheba.

I never did.

I just played around, I teased her. I tease everyone! She took me seriously. Why couldn't I stop playing sooner?

I yelled at her… in public… written my hate on the Sanctum doors. Knowing I'd be placed with the blame of her sadness soon. Everyone would yell at me for hurting her so bad… I'm always blamed for hurting people.

"And I'm going to get all the blame again! I'm so damned tired of it"

"No. . . it's not your fault. It's all mine. _I _fell in love."

"Look. I didn't mean for you to fall in love with me. You grew so obsessed with men I thought I'd tease you to show you what FILTHY DIRTY LYING CHEATERS the men you try to attract with THAT kind of act will bring!" I pointed to her very visible boobs. "I don't love you more than a friend and I can't return your feelings. I love GARET. and HE LOVES ME. I'm not going to ignore that for YOU." And I stormed off in a way any normal female adolescent fire adept would.

_We're true to the game  
These eyes show no shame  
We age forever doomed  
Just go quietly when the other side calls_


	3. Rebuttal

**CHAPTER 3**

_In their minds hatred runs deep  
Kings and queens can fail  
Now pay the fuckin' price  
Can't afford to laugh or live in the past_

I still knew the weight was on my shoulders. I gave hate back to the piercing stares of the people who blamed me. Even sweet little Ivan was cross.

I cling so much tighter to Garet- trying to keep the thoughts Sheba out of my head. The guilt. Not guilt for hurting her, but guilt for ever teasing her. I wanted to eat people alive for seeing me a bad guy. Even if they didn't- I suspected everyone of them. Mia was always protective of everyone, Isaac tried hard to keep peace, Garet was confused about everything, Ivan was Sheba's second leg to walk on, Felix was protective of her period, Picard maybe was just too sweet but probably hurt by my sudden cruelty, and Kraden was just a lolita-lover.

My worst fear was if Sheba exaggerated. Or maybe not tell the whole truth? Or maybe she took things the wrong way and would retell them wrong. I didn't even really kiss her and that rumor was everywhere. I never said 'I love you.' I hadn't been 100 serious while in a high mood. And she always got me on a high with the thought that I'm the strongest person in the world.

I wished it would just disappear already… leave me alone…

SALVA†iON

_I made them hate  
We forced their fate  
I close my eyes  
Once upon a time in the war zone_

Sheba grew sick from all the crying and worrying. She'd tell me how much she'd cried and how much sleep she lost- obviously looking for pity. I shrugged- not willing to feed her hunger.

"ok."

Her spirit withered and her aura shrunk. It was like she was dying inside.

Solution: pretend it wasn't happening.

Maybe she'd get over it in time if she didn't get the attention. If We give her attention then she'll see it as a working plan and do it again or more or worse.

She'd just collapse in the street crying and I'd turn around and walk away.

Not to mention- if I were to be seen with a crying Sheba- I'd get even more blame for it. And so my sins grew.

I knew it was cruel- but I didn't really care. I wasn't going to sacrifice anymore. Selfish? Yes. But I had served her for over a year and now I was helping Garet too. And by helping Garet I helped the mayor and thus helping all of Vale. Justification.

I just really hated being seen as the bad guy. I DID feel bad for hurting Sheba as time went by and my anger shrunk. But I couldn't say I was sorry, that just isn't in my nature.

_Feel the pain of the fast lane  
Comfort by only the pain  
All we want is whats deserved  
All we want is what we've earned_

I'm not sure how it happened- but everything was normal again. Well, besides the fact that Sheba had grown and Garet and I were a couple.

I woke up happily to a new morning, jumping out of bed and rushing downstairs without even bothering to get decent clothes on. The day seemed good. Until my face meant the ground.

"Ow?" I heard the voice from the tips of my toes.

"Huh?" I looked down to see Garet sprawled across the floor, classic adorably stupid look on his face. He must've crawled there overnight- I mused.

He opened his eyes slowly then jumped up.

I jumped realizing I was still in my underwear. "Uhhh!" I blushed. "Just a second!" I grabbed a tunic from the wall and slipped into it. Garet sat on the floor blushing and staring.

"Felix! Come back here!" Came a yell from downstairs.

"No! Picard! Noooo!" A large thumping up the stairs. Both boys soon fell through the bedroom door, Picard onto Felix. And the elder locked the younger by the lips.

I laughed a little and told them to go to their own room, but it soon faded into a face deepened with guilt and tears as I buried my face into Garet's arm. Gays weren't bad- but I'd much rather be with a guy. Such a hypocrite.

"What, what's wrong?" Garet blinked out of his shock and tilted my chin until our eyes met.

"I just feel a little bad for all that stuff that happened with Sheba…"

"But it's her fault- you didn't do anything. Right?"

"There's people on both sides saying the same thing…" I re-dug my head into his chest and hugged him tight. "Just let me stay here for a while…

_There's no thoughts of turning back,  
__People only crash and burn.  
__Is it too much to ask for  
__Is this too much to ask for  
__Is that too much to ask for?  
_Just a little salvation?  
_Well is it?_

Because there's three sides to every story  
My side.  
Your side.  
And the cold hard damned truth.

Ame: Ok! Time for some notes! The lyrics for this fanfic are mixed lines from songs by Paparoach and Fury of Five. Some of the quotes were taken from the fanfic this is countering. I'm not going to be telling you which it's countering- I want to see if you can find it yourself.

And to 'Sheba,' a footnote: I'm proud of you


	4. The Cut

Wednesday, March 9

Garet was gone for the day.

I sighed, trying to find some meaning to a meaningless day.

I walked outside, an empty gloom over my head. A messanger stood at the end of my walk way. I ignored him. Garet wasn't home to send a message... so I didn't really care.

I hunted down Isaac, or maybe Sheba, my two best friends, maybe they could keep me entertained.

'I just hope I'm home when Garet gets home'

The hours went by and Felix took me out shopping for the Djinn.I instantly sent a messager on the way home. When I DID get home I rushed to Garets, knocking visously until he opened.

"You're home!" I jumped up, happy again.

"Yeah, we didn't go anywhere... I was home alone all day"

"Awww! Poor you." I smiled a little, even if I did feel him pity.

"I was good. Ilied"

I jumped up, suddenly feeling stiff. "What. did. you. do"

"Nothing!" He said, with a small voice following.

"Garet..." I whined. "What. DID. YOU. DO"

"It isn't that bad! And they made me mad"

"Garet"

"What"

"No"

"You don't even know what I did"

Just that Sunday I'd slapped him for asking what would happen if he died.

"No"

"It isn't even that bad! It's only under the armlet"

'Armlet's go on your wrist, stupid...' "No"

"It's only like, four scratches and it made me feel better"

"No"

"Are you gonna cry"

Long silence.

Kay and Mrs. Jerra had been fighting, Garet's Psynergy had dropped and Kraden Kicked him out of school, so now he was training under his dad for mayor and failing- angering his dad... I could see his life falling apart... I could see the one I cared for most in pain and everything falling apart around him... what was I supposed to do?

"But... they yell at me everyday, they won't let me spar, and they said I couldn't see you anymore! They left me alone all day- andthis made me happy! Please don't cry"

I could feel my very soul curl up in the dark corner of my mind.

"It isn't that bad, it isn't worth crying over"

"Yes it is"

"You've done it too"

"When I was, like, 14! I lost my brother, what do you expect"

"Isaac's done worse"

"So! You still did it! If the knife makes you happy, where am I needed"

"But I did it cause they said I couldn't see you"

Silence.

_'why'_

"Jenna, don't cry"

"I should slap you so bad"

"Meep! No. I promise I won't do it again" He slammed the door, peeping through the window at me. "Don't you trust me"

"After what you did?"

"It isn't that bad! It's four little scratches, Isaac did worse" A slight clicking sound came from behind his back.

"What is that." I demended.

"Just... knife... flicking. open, closed, open closed..."

"Throw it away"

"Why"

"throw it! Put it down! Get rid of it" I turned my back- leaning against the closed door so he couldn't see me cry- just in case.

"There's three others, this one doesn't even work that well"

"Get rid of it"

He threw it away.

"All of them..."

"They're all gone, but one of them, but it's special"

"As long as it isn't blood stained"

"Don't worry, I wiped all the blood off." He sounded cheery.

But that didn't help one bit. I cringed, biting back tears the best I could.

Blood... his blood... the one I loved most, his innocent blood...

Isaac cut because of his dad, Mia cut because of Alex, I cut because of Felix, Ivan grew desprite sometimes of being an emotional fool infront of people, Sheba grew frusterated at a 'meaningless life' without a right past, Picard Loved Lemuria but was put in exile, and Felix felt like he betrayed everyone.  
Garet... you were the only one who hadn't spilled innocent blood, you gave me a reason to stop the act, but now... there's no innocents left.

'There aren't any angels anymore.'


	5. The Cut 2

Friday, March 11

I saw the cuts next time I saw him, He had minds well have taken the knife and ripped off the whole chunk of skin- the whole patch beneth the armlet was scab.

His mother was near tears when I came to the door, we had arranged to surprise him by me coming over without him knowing. We stood in the kitchen and talked before I went to see him in the other room.

He said he made himself happy by hurting himself. Well, if he was made happy by that he was only hurting everyone else.

I hadn't slept in two nights after he told me, and I had gotten really sick, I hadn't been out of bed all of Thursday. I had cried most of the day, even in school. I had contacted the messager that was outside of the house that morining, and he said he had brought a message from Garet. If only I had thought to get it... Garet said he didn't remember ever sending one.

Friday is when he showed me, I had come over right after school and stayed by his side until 2230 or so. (10:30PM for those who go by the 12 hour clock). I didn't want to ever let go...

I keep asking myself why, even though I know. But still... _'There aren't any angels anymore' _The words in a book I had read kept coming back to mind, each time bringing tears, even if I promised not to cry.

I could've been there for him! _Why_ Why was I so selfish that I had to run off and douse my lonliness with friends?

Any other day I would have sat outside his house until he came home, why couldn't I have done it THAT day?

Hell, why couldn't I stick by his side 24/7?

Cause, it's against the law... and Felix would never allow it. not until we're adults, living together and married, could I ever stick by his side in a society like this.

I wouldn't do anything nasty, but society didn't trust me to stay next to him for the day and through the night.

I did the math... at the age of 18 (in this day and age and village) I'd have to wait 3 years (age 21) to be beside him like that... 21 days left in this month, 30 in April. 28 until my 18th birthday. 365 until my 19th, 365 until my 20th and then another 365 until my 21st... that's **1174** days, rounding the hours.

and it was at 1176 days that he hurt himself, how could I trust him to live for 1174 more?

**1174 more days and we'll be living in a little lean-too near the edge of town... just me and you.** _Be there._


	6. The Cut 3

Saturday, March 12

Today I started writing down what had happened with The Cut, because when I post these things on the Sanctum door, people can start to understand me. Understand me more than just a tempermental Mars adept who can be so cruel... so cruel.

I had posted up the story about Sheba and I. Partly as apology partly as a court testimony. And now to post this to show my hurt, the striving pain as if the knife had sliced my chest so deep.

I write, sitting here waiting for Garet to come. I don't want to wake him early on a saturday. And even if he is awake, he's probably sparring or talking to the people who sent him messages yesterday when he couldn't respond. And I want him to talk to them, so they don't get left out. Cause when my old friend had gotten a boyfriend and completly ignored me... Garet needs to talk to his other friends.

Not to mention, that way, next time they threaten to take me away... I don't want to be so important to lead him to the knife.  
_'It's ok, I wiped all the blood off!'_ I cringed again, that knife had hurt him and it was still around... but it was special, for all I know it could have been a gift from a now-dead relative. but still.

The blood.

The joy of his voice didn't help that phrase a bit- it was SICK.

I shuttered.

If only I could be there and just hold him... if I was light enough- small enough- I'd just cling to his back and he could have a normal day- he wouldn't even notice I was there. I don't want to be a distraction, I just want to hold him.

Where IS he... I should go to his house... but I don't want to interupt him in his own time.

But, but if we tried to come over, but that was when dad had locked the door for breakfast (the man's paranoid now)

I want to, but I don't want to be a burden... what if they have company, what if they're not home.

What if he's waiting for me and saying the same things?

March 14, Monday

I haven't seen the boy for days... maybe he doesn't want me there... Ew! No! That's horrible weak girly thinking! Ewwww! It's just PMS, that's the only reason I'm as happy as a rock right now.

He wrote a few short messages... He said Sheba came and said she felt depressed. She wasn't at school today, I just thought she was sick. He said he was trying to cheer her up- that was at 1824 (6:24 PM) ... it's 2037 now (8:37 PM.)

Now I'm really worried about Sheba... I'm hoping Garet helped her and now he's just off sparring or something... He said he had some work to do for his dad anyway... He quit school and now just trains to be the new Mayor after his dad... and his dad's none too happy with his progress which is one reason that drove Garet to... I shivered.

I've got to forget that.

But it Cut so deep... I haven't Cut myself for a long time, but now the pain he's left me... if so bad sometimes.

Is this how Karst felt when she was dying?

I laid down on my bed, small tears welling up. I buried my face in my elbow, sufficateing it in the pillow. Laying in the cold... she was pained by the one's she loved most... Menardi had killed herself in shame of defeat... And that had torn her little sister up so bad that she sought out the lighthouses in order to become more independent and strong? She died in the end... She just... I'm sorry if I confused someone... my philosophies are never understood by anyone.

Am I dying..? Is this the feeling those close to death get... I'd hate to die so miserable.

That tickles.

I looked in a mixture of horror and sick amusement... partially mezmorized by the feel and look and knowing of what was so close... my sharp fingernails following the trails of the blood veins... not enough to cut- but enough to sent shivers down the spine.

I should have been getting ready for the pyro display I was preforming tomorrow... I feel too gloomy to do anything now.  
Garet told me not to be sad... I hate to lie... but... I don't want him to worry. But what am I supposed to say? No, I don't miss you a bit. I don't care about you or worry about you when you're not here.

I watched the sun while 2052 (8:52 PM) Ticked by.

"It's almost 2100." I whined. "What if he forgot about me..." Tears started to well back up again. "God, will I stop being so stupid feminine! God! He has a life too and I have to respect that"

'He has a life too...' I laughed at myself.

I have a life? really? I sit up here and cry in bed all day, what life do I have? I'm a moron, a fuckin weakling now... Maybe I'm letting myself get too feminine...


	7. Smaller bubbles of the boil

I finally got over the grief and horror. There's always a fear of leaving the house-going out of reach of him. I want to be there for the one's who love me most all the time... 

A lot has happened since then. We've stayed strong.

My friends- they don't understand us. Well, maybe Mia and Peter (OC) understand- they're in love the same as Garet and I. Isaac doesn't understand, though. But it's ok.

There's been times when I've lost my cool- going in a blind rage over simple things that drive me crazy. One church meet was canceled- and that was the only chance for Garet and I to be together that busy week. It wasn't so much that I didn't see him, but that the church had LIED.

But... something bothered me MORE than the lies and the long days of separation. More than the misunderstandings and the lonleiness...

The enigma of a story that never met a final resolution.

I had wondered HOW a story could possibly end with "I'm not sure how it happened- but everything was normal again. "

Problems don't just disappear.

The shock of the cut had faded- but brokenhearts and lost minds don't just disappear suddenly...

I read to myself a poem... a poem posted by a dear friend.

And suddenly, all of my problems seemed so real again.


	8. Revive

**Revive** : Old problems born again 

_"Engraved on a headstone  
"Crosses burn, harmony weeps  
"Nazi eye, hail the beast  
"Let's follow the tracks to a world of pain"_

Sitting on a Porch swing, reading a poem we snagged off the sanctum door... Garet and I had a stirring feeling in the pits of our stomachs.

"What does she mean...?" Garet read carefull. "This is confusing!"

I looked over it. "It sounds like heartbreak to me. Like she's saying everything fell apart even when she was looking at the wonder of life through the pain..."

"I'm worried..." Garet shuttered.

I pressed his face against my neck and held him there.

_'He worries about everyone... He just wants them all to be happy. But I'm afraid... of what Sheba might be saying in this poem...'_ I might be only a fire adept, but I had a weak 6th sense... and I could tell what was going through her mind.

"Should I ask her?" Garet stared at the poem.

"Don't ask if you're afraid of the answer."

"But I'm REALLY REALLY worried!"

"We should check the rest of the door first."

"Do you think she posted anything else?"

"It's worth a try!"

_"last night sucked. Sucked. Sucked. SUCKED. The party, it was. Well, the first half was all right, we ate the birthday cake and stuff... but later on (last hour or so,) it sucked. Why? Because asIsaac was trying to guide me away, it took one glance for everything to shatter and break me into a million pieces and dreams..._

_"Just when things get better. Just when I thought everything is better and it was gonna stay like that for once, it gets worse. If it weren't for having such great friends who think so much about me, I'd take my life. And I'm not kidding. I'm really thinking about suicide lately... the thought of slowly killing myself even came to mind last night. Sure, it's not smart to say things like that, but I can't fuckin' help it. What's even worse, Jenna looked sad before we left. I hope my face wasn't still red from crying so fuckin' hard."_

I shook my head, swallowing old anger hard. I don't want to get mad... I want to know more and post it for the world to see my own story...

_"The glass breaks  
"As the rosepetals scatter across the floor _

"Where can I start? My head's so flustered... I feel so shattered...

"Such a beautiful display gone  
"Leaving behing a shattered memory

"I remember the days when I never worried so much. When my friends and I never seemed to have so many troubles. When we were journying. When Jenna was my best friend... and I was almost certain that we were unseperable. When my Guradians seemed to have it together: I wish for the naivity that ceased me to see that my employer's a bastard... the naivity of thinking God loved me and had given me mercy.

"Because it slipped out of my palms

"I messed up. I pried, I cried, I fell in love. I want to take my mistakes back and start again. I want to be stronger. I want to think straight. But... the person I am now... I can't change...

**"And I hate myself.**

"Falling to my knees, I mourn  
"Crying in vain that the rose will spring back to life...

"I want everything back. I want my life back. What I live now is shattered reveries... unmerciful and always hurting..."

That same poem was the same one we tore down earlier to go home and decifer. There was a lot more too it, we tore it down too to read later.

When Garet and I were brought to peace in Vale she came to know her feelings and was shattered when we started dating? well... truthfully... we had been going out before she ever knew. She didn't find out for a few days.

We headed home and I could tell Garet was holding back tears.

"Why... can't I make everyone happy..."

I held him tightly. "Are you ok?"

"She said she considered killing herself... that doesn't mean she's doing it, right?"

"No, I mean, I hope she'snot."

"I wish we could make her happy..."

"Yeah, but I'm not going to sacrifice my life to do it."

"Hum?"

"She doesn't want us together, look at this... She wants us to break up."

Garet stared at me. "I'm sad now..."

I held him tight. _'My dear boy...'_ I kissed his ear. _'I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this mess.'_


	9. Analogies suck

**Analogies... **

_"But now she only wants Garet: to her, I'm just the sidekick who follows. No matter how hard I try to be happy for them, it still hurts. Seeing them kiss hurts like a bullet shot through my heart... "_

I threw the pack of papers onto the floor. I had torn and bound all the pages I could find once I had put Garet to bed.

The man snored peacefully behind me as I sat on the edge of the bed.

_'If she's in such deep love she's gotta know how I feel then. Com'on, what is this? It's obvious she only wants me & she's in love with me. Well, I'm in love with Garet, so... it's so shallow, but... it's so obvious that he's the one I want... I feel bad, but... it's the truth.'_

Things were such a mess... and now I had to sort through these damn 'seams of life' shit and untangle the knotted threads. I had made it clear to Garet that I love him... but now I had to sort things out with Sheba.

_'I feel like a fisherman pulling his crew out of the water...'_

_'At least the pain's gone down... ' _I read through her talking about how she felt sick and dizzy because of the stress. _'luckily the bleeding's stopped, if only she knew what I go through...'_

_"If you happened to read my journal yesterday, I think a lot of the stress is induced by moodswings... But I AM upset, just secretly. I started getting worried today though, because during chorus, I started getting so dizzy that I thought I was going to fall over... not to mention I've had this headache since I got home from Jenna's"_

I looked over my own journal, one that I DIDN'T post on the doors for the world... well, maybe it was time for it to come into the open. Nah- My thoughts written there are mine. But the overview would look like this:

So much stress from yearning for Garet but wanting my friends to be happy too. Trying to balance and find peace in this mixed up life... There was... blood... Not from my period, that was last week. but this was BLOOD- internal BLEEDING. I threw-up and I was always tired. I got dizzy constantly. I'd lay there on the bed, dead for a while. Not a breath, hardly a pulse. Then I'd choke and tears would come.  
I can't do it... I can't untangle these damn threads in this damn 'Fabric life' shit that's going on. I could never weave a perfect blanket to keep the world warm. These damn threads have me too easily frusterated.

Why not burn the whole damn sheet.

The next day I dedicated my time to being the best friend I possibly could. I doubt she noticed. She hardly notices HALF the stuff I do for her.  
It's nuts!

I keep hoping that if I... post my thoughts here on this door that... maybe someday it'll all be better? Maybe I won't have to work to untangle (dare I use this dreaded Cliché analogy again?) these damn threads. Dammit, I hate analogies.

I'm starting to think... that the only way to make her happy is... to love her and not Garet. What much can I say, I just CAN'T. I don't care how great of a friend she is- my FUTURE relies on my love for THIS MAN.

I won't abandon my future for someone I used to be, no Cicada crawls back into it's shell soon after it's finally been released from the ground where it had waited for some 16 years and has finally broken out and dried it's wings. I'm not going back to that.

Don't look back, you can never look back.  
Don't lie to me... but don't make me suffer  
Your weight is on my hands and shoulders  
Along with 20 others


	10. Containing the regrowth of rage

**Revive**

_"Jenna's out a lot. Usually at Garet's. To even go to her house, I have to ask. I had to beg for a vacation out of this hell of a house."_

The paper in my hand crinkled as I drove my nails into the margins with a fist.  
_beg? Beg? BEG! _Goddammit, I said OK the FIRST DAMN TIME.

At this point I knew I should stop reading these notes, or I might wake Garet up or make some awful mistake while speaking in anger. Sheba didn't want me to be mad at her... she just wanted to post her feelings so that people would understand her too. Just like I am.  
But goddammit why am I always framed as the bad guy!

_"if I could choose to love or to be with her forever, she'd win, hands down. It doesn't matter that she loves someone else... to lose her in my life would be losing me in whole, and I'd die. "_

I'm trying my best to keep swearing at a minimal. But who said she was losing me? Maybe she's not getting my love, but she still has my friendship! What do I have to do... Why am I the only one who can help her?

_I don't want to be the main character of my own story..._

_"Never so badly did I want to die. I want to fuckin' die. IfJenna no longer confides in me, there's no good reason to stick around anymore. "_

Since when did I tell Garet anything I didn't tell her? What secrets have I kept?  
Hell, COME ON! I've told her stuff I NEVER told Garet. I told her when I was feeling sick and I NEVER wanted Garet to know my troubles! How would she know stuff I've 'kept from her but told Garet?' I've told her WAY MORE. The stuff I post on the Doors isn't for Garet to read, it's for EVERYONE. INCLUDING her.

_"Even whenJenna hates my guts (which I'm just WAITING for to happen: there's not much else to lose yet...) "_

_'Come on... am I REALLY that bad...'_ By now the anger had passed and I held the paper with forsaken feelings. _'I'm such a bad guy- a villian, aren't I... YOU'RE the one who hates me... maybe you DO love me, but I know you hate the way I am.'_

_"YAY, I FINALLY POSTED MY "I LOVE YOU" THINGER... Jenna'll never read it, I'm sure, but I wrote and posted it. xx Oh well..."_

Haha, guess again! It's somewhere in that stack of already read papers... haha.

_"Everything from there was pretty swell. I got ticked off whenIsaac mentioned when I had once been bi: I was half-asleep AND not in that particular mood. (The previous night was spent sobbing pathetically in bed about how bad of a friend I am.) But I knew he was only kidding, and I can't even remember the context of the joke. Which made me think about my best friend and her boyfriend: I really feel like a third wheel. T-T They both come before me: but they're happy... I can't fight that."_

I'm gonna set these papers aside for a little before whomever's reading this gets bored. But...

I curled up against Garet's back where he lay under the sheets.

"Why can't we make everyone happy..." He sobbed again.

"You're awake?" I crawled over his shoulder to have a peek at his face which he imediantly hid in the pillow.

"Why is Sheba so sad... We care about her, don't we! I try to make her happy but it never works..."

I held him tightly.

"I'm gonna solve this mess- or burn the world trying."


	11. Behind Those Eyes

BEHIND THOSE EYES  
Lyrics by 3 Doors Down

_Ohh yeah  
Ohh yeah_

I went back to the door for a hope to a good answer for my posts...

_You said I had something to say  
Then you got that look in your eye  
"There is something you've got to know"  
You said it as you started to cry_

_"There, I finished writing."_ She had told me as she walked by my house on her way back from the Sanctum.

She had read my postings...

I waited for her to be out of sight, not acting all too eager to get to the door. I know she wanted me to read those postings, that's probably why she posted half of them.

_I've been down the wrong road tonight  
And I swear I'll never go there again  
I've seen this face once before  
And I don't think I can do this again_

_Waking up to a nightmare that I can't fall asleep from..._ I spotted _'A Tale of Two Stories'_- pages falling out of their bindings due too there being to many of them. It brought it all back screaming in my head.

_"I-I fell in love with you!" "All I could think of was you..." "I've let most of my feelings go." "All I could hear was your voice..." "I still want to be with you forever. " "You've held me like no one ever has, not even my own mother. " "All I could smell was the scent of your clothes..." "I can only imagine myself being of your world, because you're my world." "All I could see was the things that reminded me of you..." "what would happen if I did something stupid again? " "All I could feel was the increasing heartbeat and the jut of my throat..." "If it were possible, I'd fall on my knees and ask you to marry me." "Though my love for you may not be romantic, it's the power of its withstand that gives it such beauty. " "You'll never know how much you mean to me..." "Maybe the words "I love you," have lost their meaning, but the voice whispering it means every syllable, every breath of it."_

I never DID figure out just why I held her so dearly that night and was so angry at her the next morning.

_Waking up to a nightmare that I can't fall asleep from..._

That was the only answer I could EVER find.

_There's something I can't see  
There's something different in the way you smile  
Behind those eyes you lie  
And there's nothing I can say  
'Cause I'm never gonna change your mind  
Behind those eyes you hide_

_Watching her during class, a soft smile on her face as I spoke to her, and yet, she stared into the distance, not a word I said seeming to penetrate that shinny bowl-head hair of hers. _

_"Are you ok?"_

_She popped to attention. "Yeah, why?"_

_"You seemed spaced out..."_

_"I'm just tired, I went to bed at 12 or so last night..."_

_I stared... I didn't believe that was it, I knew I was shoving a knife deeper into her ribs by writting on the door. But... I had tried so hard to be a great friend, and she never notice... my good and hungered for good deeds went ignored- and that ticked me off to the point where I gave up on being extra nice._

_Now, when ever she went on about being lonley, I laughed. I tried and she didn't notice. If there's nothing I can do now, I'll laugh at it- it's folly._

_Let me laugh at my folly._

_As you turned to walk away  
I saw another look in your eye  
And even though it hurt like it did  
I couldn't let this be your goodbye._

_"If I were to die today, no one would need me." _These words were repeated over and over again by her on the door while I looked over it, searching for the right paper.

Such a fool. She's my best friend and we all care so much. Garet was in tears of worry over her. He won't admit it now, but he was CRYING (or maybe he was just too out of it to notice...)

Reading the stories she wrote for he side of the tale, she wanted to die because of the pain and hurt of lack of love.

But...

I didn't want her to die...

She might not have a real family and she might not have a lover, but... we still cared SO much...

I didn't want her to go... just to... let go of her love for me... Let go of love, not life.

I... I acually wanted her to hate me just so she could live without loving me...

'Don't...die..'

_You say that your sorry  
And you say that it hurts you the same  
Is there something here to believe  
Or is it just another part of the game?_

_"So much crap has happened, I can't begin... ...well, I could. But that'd take over two hours worth of sitting here and typing. Let me sum it all up for you..._

_"Um. ...wait, that's not what I meant! ...maybe. My head is spinning in circles to no frickin' end... I can't even comprehend half the things going through my mind."_

_"I'm the worst friend on the planet. grabs a book and starts hitting self Not only did I screw things up, I wrote everything like they were the bad guys! And of course it takes reading her own words to finally catch a clue... I'm so frickin' stupid..."_

_"Well, I read Tales of Two Stories today beforeclass. I do the most moronic things... u-u; Actually, I was close to tears during class: luckily I busied myself with scissors... (no, no... we were making paper models ; I'm done cutting myself...) By second period I was able to smile (aka: I was frickin happy) but by fourth period I started feeling guilty again... the student teacher for band sucks so much that I forgot about it... _

_"I just don't know what to do. I'm such a hassle: how does anyone put up with me? You know... I think the reason why I'm so down and out of it is because I just need a lover too. But I'm trying to wait for the right person: the person who I'll fall in love with and every second with them will count... but watching my friend and Garet and my other friends and even just random strangers makes it harder and harder... and I fear that I'll never like someone again: or I'll never find someone who loves me as much as I love them. (Haha, no, I don't mean the same level of hate...) Of course, half of this is theory: I have no idea what hell is running through my head right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm so much of a hassle to myself that I might as well give into fate. (If you catch my drift...)"_

_Theres something I cant see  
Something living in the way you smile  
Behind those eyes you lie  
And theres nothingI can say  
Cause im never gonna change your mind  
Behind those eyes you hide_

_"First of all, if you've been following my "metaphoric" notes (Fabric, Roulette, etc) please look around for 'A Tale of Two Stories'. It's the flip side, you'd get a much better comprehension of how things are going down._

_"Also, I'd like to make infinite apologies to Garet and Jenna. Not at all were they to blamed for anything. Quite frankly, it would be the opposite, I'm completely at fault 'cause I made the mistakes. I'd been so busy writing almost every thought gushing through my veins that I forgot how bad I was making them look: and I really didn't want them to look like they were at fault: really. I just want them to be together and happy... that's all."_

_Ohh yeah  
Ooooooo  
Ohh woah_

Now she was saying it again... she's over me. This time I believed her, though I'm not sure I should.

Maybe it was just hormones driving her desprite for love... and Felix and Picard had each other, Isaac had Ivan, &Mia had Peter. There was no one else but Garet- and it wasn't like they were cousins or anything (Ame's note: HAHAHAHA xD ) Maybe it was just because we were closer.

Because I took care of her and healed her.

I teased her and I was her friend through all that journey...

Maybe it was... where she hoped to find her past... _Jupiter lighthouse_ ... the imense emotions of that and seeing her best friend meet her old friends... a feeling of abandonment

_Behind those eyes you lie  
Behind those eyes you hide_

"You're quiet... I don't like the quiet." Garet looked at me as we sat on the front porch swing.

"Sorry, I was thinking. Cause...I found lyrics for the (hopefully) last chapter of ATOTS"

"uh, yay? Is that bad... alot?"

"nah, I don't think so... I'm just not sure if I should trust her again when she says it's over."

_Theres something I can't see  
Something living in the way you smile  
Behind those eyes you lie  
And theres nothingI can say  
Cause I'm never gonna change your mind  
Behind those eyes you hide_

"Is the Sheba situation over with yet?"  
"I think." I smiled over at my Garet. He looked at the ground, kicking a stone along, ever so serious.

_Behind those eyes you lie_

"I hope this time its over..."


End file.
